Where do I begin?
It was August 30, 1985.....Oh, I'm kidding.
Monday night February 7 is a night that will live on in infamy. Adam had just left the house going to town and MeeMaw had just left from visiting with Reese. It was somewhere around the hour of 6 PM. For reasons I didn't fully understand I was a little edgy....actually, let cuts to the chase. I was edgy because Sunday while at Cheaha for an afternoon drive we had seen this weird guy on a little girls bicycle who wanted to take our picture and know how old Reese was. Adam was worried that he was going to bust the windows out of the car while we walked out to Bald Rock. And that is the line that draws where I can relate to Adam. To show how sick and twisted I am- I was envisioning him following us home and stalking me for days before violently taking my life. And I know I shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but I do. Period.
On Monday this man was still on my mind and due to that I had our house locked down like Fort Knox when Adam left. When I am home alone I usually have the volume on the TV down and not a lot of noise that would limit my ability to sense an impending intruder.
I am nothing if not totally and completely paranoid.
Way back in the day Adam and I went on a camping trip with some of our besties and I was scared someone was going to try to break into our tent and kill us. So they said I was "stay alert, stay alive" all night. And they laughed at me then, but I will have them know that I contribute the fact that I am alive and breathing today to the fact that I was "stay alert, stay alive" last Monday night.
So anyway no more than 10 minutes after Adam had left Reese and I were minding our own business addressing Valentine cards when I thought I heard someone on the back porch talking. I creeped over to the door to listen, because, you know, "stay alert, stay alive" knows to never look out the blinds- they might be looking back! In which case I would kill over dead of a coronary infarction. After listening for a few seconds I decided that I must have made it up in my crazy little head. All the while watch dog Autie (the little one) was going crazy in the yard. Any of you familiar with Rat Terriers knows that is no reason to be alarmed. Little dogs have something to prove so she acts that way if she sees her own shadow. On top of all of that my mom had mentioned that my dad might stop by to see Reese.
So I went back to minding my own business when I heard the glass door open, and I kid you not, the door knob was turning. Turning people. So in my loud school teacher voice (and all of you school teachers out there know the voice I speak of. if you don't have that voice they will eat you alive- especially high school students.) I said, "who is it?- and the knob stopped turning. I quickly and quietly walked to Reese's room to see if a car was in the driveway. My car sat all alone. By then I had heard the glass door close back.
Now ya'll know no one has ever accused me of being rational or calm in a moment of crisis. Instead of going and getting the gun, opening the door, and killing someone dead I go for the telephone. Ya'll our house is filled with automatic weapons and ammunition. My weapon of choice- the telephone. Because really, I would much prefer my daddy come and kill when necessary.
I ran into 1 problem with this- MY DADDY WOULD NOT ANSWER THE PHONE! For the love of all that is good and kind in this world. I called 4 times. No answer.
Called Adam. No answer.
Called my mommas cell phone. No answer.
Up until this point I had been surprisingly calm. Really. But I was one more phone call away from coming completely unraveled.
Called my daddy on his cell phone. Finally- mom answered the phone.
"Hello"
"Send daddy over here. Someone is trying to come in the back door."
"Pat, somebody is trying to get into...." Click. Disconnected. DISCONNECTED!
For the fifth time I dial my parents number.
"Hello"
"Mother- DO NOT hang up on me!" Ya'll, my mother had hung the phone up. I mean of all times NOT to hang up this was the moment of all moments.
Of course, by the time my daddy got there it was too late. Autie was laying on the porch from sheer barking exhaustion and Dixie still didn't know anything had gone on. You know, I don't want to be too hard on Dixie since I know she is under a great deal of pressure to eat 2 scoops of food throughout the day while intermittently stopping to take naps, but really would it have killed her to bark one or 6 times? Little Autie was back there barking her little lungs out trying to save the plantation and Dixie was sitting on the front porch fluffing the hay in her Dogloo and starring at me addressing envelops through the window. She couldn't be bothered by a thief. I bet if that thief would have gone after her Dogloo it would have been a different story. But momma? Oh, they can have momma. And that baby that took all of our attention. (Yes, I just typed what our dog was thinking. I am at an all new low, what can I say?)
I really wish I could give my daddy's account of how he almost slid sideways into a tree while traveling to our house at high and dangerous speeds, but I can't remember how it was stated exactly.
That night Reese moved back into our bedroom and little to no sleep happened for me. A week and two nights later she finally went back to her room. There was some fussing and crying over this matter, but I finally gave in and let Adam put her to sleep in her own room.
So tomorrow we will be getting a little thing called security for the small price of $29.99 per month.
I wonder how much it would cost to get my yard to look like that?
Oh, and by the way we have talked so dirty about the little intruder wanna be because we now have to be hassled with knowing where our keys are at all times and always having them with us. Which will ultimately lead to locking myself out and having to attempt to climb through the kitchen window.
In case you are wondering...my days of staying home alone are O-V-E-R!
